Every guy wants to have great friends. We love movies about wars where soldiers are surrounded by comrades, or movies about sporting events where athletes are huddled with teammates. There are few things in life more appealing than having a band of brothers. Yet, the sad truth is that a lot of us are not on a pathway to great friendship. Instead of deepening relationships we feel a deepening sense of loneliness. How can we change this?
The Key to Friendship Is Becoming a Great Friend
The wrong way to pursue friendship is making a list of ideal traits and then looking for a set of people who match the description. There are no perfect people, and if make it our aim to order friends like we order steaks at a restaurant, we shouldn’t be surprised if we go hungry.
There is a better way. Instead of looking for an ideal friend, a much more effective path is seeking to grow in the virtues of friendship. The following is a basic rule in life: people who excel at friendship end up having great friends. If we cultivate the character traits that promote deep and lasting relationships, we won’t need to fret about growing relationship. They will be taking root and budding whether we realize it or not.
Seven Virtues of Gospel Friendship
1 – Recognition
Friendship begins with how you view people. Too many men filter guys as assets or liabilities. We either judge people as worth our time because they advance our objectives in life or as barriers to self-development.
If we want lasting relationships, the first step is changing how we view people. One of the surprising things about Jesus is the way that he acknowledged the worth and dignity of people regardless of their problems or needs. We need to develop the same capacity. Rather than reducing others to the worst trait of their personality, we instead need to see them for what in fact they are – image-bearers and sons of God.
2 – Presence
It’s so easy in the modern world to be physically present without being mentally and emotionally present. A sure way to be a terrible friend is to check your phone mid conversation. Although such actions might be common, they are insulting – a digital slap in the face.
Now the opposite of distraction is attention. We ought to cultivate this ability. One of Jesus’ most precious names is Immanuel, God-with-us. Such was the love of the Son of God that he took flesh and make himself present to us. Men need to follow this example. We need to do whatever it takes in order to be present and available to the people we care about.
3 – Openness to the Unbidden
Too many men try to keep relationships in a controlled environment. We want to be masters of our time and schedule. Genuine relationships can’t grow in the soil of hyper-productivity. If we want spiritual friends, we need to realize that close relationships are adventures. They take us places we would never expect and often lead us into circumstances that we would never choose. Such is the ‘unbidden’ aspect of friendship. Embracing the life of another person often involves service and suffering. Yet, we shouldn’t shirk from these possibilities. The war movies we love best are those that remind us that camaraderie is a byproduct of sharing a foxhole.
4 – Dependence
The typical guy walks around the world believing that he is a superhero. Most of us think that we have what it takes to get through life on our own. Such thinking is laughable. The truth is that all of us are disabled. Each of us has limited ability and needs the help of other people. Accepting such dependence – and being unashamed of it – is a crucial condition of gospel friendship.
5 – Mutual Sharing
Friendship is all about mutuality. To visit a friends is not like visiting a therapist. For the relationship to grow, both men need to take turns talking.
Now the need for such sharing ought to challenge two types of men. There is one guy who too readily turns conversation into monologue. Such men need to practice the spiritual discipline of ‘withholding one’s tongue’ (see Bonhoeffer’s classic, Life Together). There is another guy who is happy to listen, but who never shares anything himself. Such men need to muster the courage to open their mouths and take a turn talking.
Without mutuality, friendship is stunted.
6 – Progressive Self-Disclosure
Intimacy is a scary word. It shouldn’t be. The longer we walk with a person, the better we ought to know him. Such was the disciples’ experience of Jesus. Before his death, Jesus was able to say to the twelve, ‘I have called you my friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you’ (John 15). We need to pause and consider the significance of this statement. The most intimate details of Jesus’ life – His walk with the Father – was something he communicated to his close friends. We need to follow this example.
7 – Pilgrim Solidarity
Christian friends are on a journey together that ultimately leads to the Throne of God. That’s our final destination – to be spotless and blameless before the glorious presence of the Holy One. Once we recognize this common destination, the tenor and shape of friendship changes. Friendship isn’t just about making memories or having fun. It’s about holiness and communion with God. This means that growing as a gospel friend is finally about helping other people put on the new identity that they have in Christ. Anything less would fall short of Christian love.